Lyrics

A lot of the fun is in Mike's songs is in the lyrics, which cover pressing issues like snooze alarms, time travel and apartment shopping, as well as the old standbys: dogs and sex. Here are the lyrics that make up Life in the Funnel:

Caterwauling
Dummy Book
Smoke That Thing
Happy
Hands and Knees
Amish Shuffle

I Don't Have a Dog
The Temporal Slide
Guest House
Nine Minutes
What's It Mean to You?
Sky Mall


Caterwauling

My girl thought that I could sing
because I ace so many things
but truth be told, it hurts to hear me try the higher side

But if she’s taught me anything
it’s to live life un-self-consciously
that skill is overrated
but enthusiasm’s key

so I sing loud
and I sing high
as the winning Judes and spiffy Dudes go by

and I go caterwauling, baby by my side

Some men set the sax aside
they suit the suit, they tie the tie
they close the door, close their eyes
and let the desktops suck their pride

But my girl, my girl, sakes alive
says self control is suicide
so I scares ‘em all when I open wide
and I shriek my freaking song

Out freaking loud
and God-awful high
and the hippy chicks with their handsome hicks roll by

and I go caterwauling, baby by my side

Well it’s time to lose those baby teeth
and it’s time to shed that baby skin
time to brave the frogs and the nodes
and otherwise do my old throat in

by singing loud
and singing so high
and we’ll see who’alls left standing by and by

as I go caterwauling, baby by my side.

 

Dummy Book

Getting in shape, taking a ride
part of my plan for finding balance inside
women will see, women will know
hey, I ain’t doing this crap for nothing, you know

But if I’m gonna get me a bike
I might as well get a good bike
I mean a really good bike
and a helmet to match
I’ll get a Dummy book on riding that trail straight
neither rain nor snow nor ice cream
is gonna make me late

Getting in style down at the vet
nothing says “I’m OK” like walking a pet
women will see, and the women will know
women will squat down and tell me hello

But if I’m gonna get me a dog
it sure as hell will be a good dog
I mean a really good dog
and a latté to match
I’ll get a Dummy book on healthy coats and teeth
gonna make her roll it over
I’m gonna make her speak

‘Cause I’m pure (pure)
and loyal (pure)
and healthy (pure)
and chic (and pure)
first look she’ll know what’s under my hood
slick clothes, she’ll know
I’m not some punk and funkless rat-racer

And if I’m gonna get me a gal
she’s gonna be such a good gal
I mean a really good woman
with the handcuffs to match
I’ll get a Dummy book on what she wants in bed
gonna win her heart and soul
I’m gonna win her head.

 

Smoke That Thing

I really want to smoke that thing
I know, I know
but it looks so good hanging from your mouth
and I like that you go outside and talk about us
oh, I’d like to be out there with you
I really want to smoke one, too

I want to smoke that thing
I know, I know
but a habit could be just what I need
a little punctuation in my speech
a little gesture and a tap on the butt
a little puff of something,
come on, give us a puff

It’s so graceful
you tap the pack
you hand it back
you make it seem so nice
the way you gleam
the way you seem like you’re in paradise
oh, baby, how you smoke that thing!

I know, I know
‘cause I’ve seen just how little you eat
and I feel how cold you wear your cold little feet
but aren’t you just a little cooler for the blow?
I really ought to smoke one to know
I want to smoke that thing!

 

Happy

Living out on the edge
but I’m happy to be alive
oh I’m happy, happy to be alive
oh I’m happy, happy to be alive
yeah I’m happy I’m happy I’m

Got my girl on the phone
she’s happy that I’m alive
yes she’s happy, happy that I’m alive
got my girl on the phone, and I think she’s on my side
she won’t screw me over won’t screw me over
won’t screw me

Got a guy in the trunk
worth a million on the other side
un millón, one million on the other side
and my girl on the phone
she’s gonna give that guy a ride
yeah, she won’t screw the pooch, won’t screw the pooch
‘cause she’s happy

Got my girl on the phone,
she won’t bail me out this time
no she won’t pay it, won’t bail me out this time,
she says she’s changed
she says she’d rather see me doing time
I said I’m gonna hunt you, find you,
cut off your head and suck it

Got a guard on the block
he’s glad I’m back inside
oh he’s happy, happy I’m back inside
he said he’d get me
now he’s got my All-Caucasian hide
yeah he’ll work me over he’ll work me over he’ll

But never mind all that
‘cause I’m happy to be alive,
oh I’m happy, happy to be alive
oh I’m happy, happy to be alive
got my drinking buddies, my eating buddies
my bunk bed.

 

Hands and Knees

Cleaning out the stalls
on my hands and knees
cleaning out the sink
on my hands and knees
clean up after you, dear
clean up after you on my hands and knees

Licking your boots
shearing your sheep
swabbing your ears
I pour myself into your breakfast
balling your socks
polishing the tits on your bowling trophies
buffing your cat
bombing your den
cleaning out the john on my hands and knees

radiating infinite love
scraping the barnacles off of your tug boat
delousing the minister of agriculture
washing your dog
feeding your dog
vying with your dog on my hands and knees

Cleaning out the stalls
on my hands and knees.

 

Amish Shuffle

The Gröelf boy dreams about shuffling his feet
Gröelf boy dreams about shuffling his feet
yes he do
he do the Amish Shuffle
better keep it out of sight, boy
or papa’ll put you in the room

The Gröelf boy’s humming that old Johnny Cash tune
Gröelf boy’s humming that old Johnny Cash tune
he’s too cool
he do the rebel roll
better keep it to yourself, boy
or mama’ll put you in the room

It’s a family alarm
when he buys a flashlight
he says Hey now, Pa
you know it’s only so I’ll see the cows that I’m milking
it’s only so I’ll see the cows

The Gröelf boy bought himself a cinnamon roll
Gröelf boy bought himself a cinnamon roll
he’s out of hand
he got the Lancaster Muffin
well, first it’s the sweet cakes
then who’s he gonna bring back home?

It’s a family alarm
when he says, I’m going to State College
he says Hey now, Ma
you know it’s only so I’ll learn about husbanding the cattle
it’s only so I’ll learn ‘bout the cows.

 

I Don’t Have a Dog

I don’t have a dog, I don’t have a dog
but if I had a dog
I’d take him out for a walk
yes, out for a walk

I don’t have a gal, I don’t have a gal
but if I had a gal
I’d make her buy me a dog

I don’t have the time, I don’t have the time
I used to have a gal
she’d say, You find the time,
you make some time

A dog would never mind
if I didn’t have the time
so if I have the time
I think I’ll buy me a dog.

Baby, he’s just a dog
don’t worry about rabies
he come around in the summer says
Shave me!
It’s getting hot, I’m going roaming for a lady
yeah, a little long-hair
I say, why do you always have to keep me inside?
The lover-dogs are out roaming
untie me! I’ll make some doggy body happy
Come on! Let me make you proud of me

I don’t have a dog, I don’t have a dog
but if I had a dog he’d tell me
Throw me a bone, yeah, throw me a bone

I don’t have the room, I don’t have the room
my life’s just too damn cramped
I don’t need you or a dog
no, you or a dog

But if I had the room, I’d pass on your perfume
I’d skip the honeymoon
go out and buy me a dog

Well, I don’t have a dog, I don’t have a dog
but if I had a dog I’d tell him
Bow wow wow w-w-wow wow wow.

 

The Temporal Slide

I met the girl that I was never with
she was one year behind me in school
but now she’s five years older than me
and she still looks great
yeah she still looks great
but all temporal sliding aside
I wouldn’t mind being with her tonight
if I could drive out in daddy’s car
like the good old days still to come

I’d put aside the things I never do
if I could dial a way to you
I’d slide on into my phone booth, baby
go back in time and find you here
but all temporal sliding aside
I wouldn’t mind being with you tonight
if I could find out who you are
so I could call you up one more time

Stop! Don’t stop! Stop!
Slide to the left
Wait! Don’t slide to the left
just shake it, and do it again

Oh what a past we’re gonna have
if I’m not getting ahead of myself
when I start reminiscing about all that bliss
it gives me vu-ja-dé
de da da da
but all temporal sliding aside
I really must be with you tonight
my love is two-deep and it’s double-wide
and it’s twice as nice the second time
oh, it’s twice as nice the second time

Stop! Don’t stop! Stop!
Slide to the left
Wait! Don’t slide to the left
just shake it, and do it again.

 

Guest House

Well, here’s a “Cute guest house with a great country atmosphere”
that means it’s tiny
it’s got an outhouse
it’s twenty miles from the nearest store with bottled water
and there’s a furnace in the attic

My old girlfriend would say,
Think of the money you’ll save!
my new girlfriend would cry
but I’d drive 20 miles to make love to the icicle

I found a “One bath, free heat, conveniently located”
that means it’s ugly
the cooler’s busted
it’s in the shadow of the University Medical Center
next to the dumpster of dirty catheters

My old girlfriend would say,
It’s just a few blocks away!
my new girlfriend would cry
and they’d park in my yard to go die in the hospital

I covet my neighbor’s yard
I covet his parking
I covet my neighbor’s yard
and his covered parking
why do I, dear old Mike,
always have to live like a dog?

I found a tricked-out, spit-shined, safe little bachelor pad
it’s in my city, it’s from my century
so there’s this problem of a few hundred thousand cucarachas
hey, at least they’re quiet
they’ll keep me company

My old girlfriend would say,
I love the smell of the spray!
my new girl said goodbye
I think I’ll call my old gal and say,
How’s for a housewarming?

 

Nine Minutes

Wanna get up, wanna get out
wanna get done, wanna do wanna be
wanna show the girls what’s up my sleeve
but from Moment One in the sun of a Monday
I gotta say, I’m just a little behind the beat

Can’t you see I’m already late?
got to move it
Can’t you see I’m already late?
Ah, well.

They replaced my freeway
with a whole ‘nother freeway
and my downtown
with another downtown
How long was I asleep?
why didn’t anybody move me?
How’m I gonna keep on keeping on
with nobody watching my back?

Can’t you see I’m already late
got to move it
Can’t you see I’m already late?
Ah well, what you gonna do?

 

What’s It Mean To You?

What’s it mean to you
if I don’t have my life on right?
What’s it mean to you
if my friends are a little dumb?

Why’s it hang on you
if my girl talks a little bit slow?
Shouldn’t hang on you
‘cause I’m a little dumb, too.

Does it gnaw on you
when I just want to hang around?
Why’s it bother you?
I just want to hang out with you.

I’m not like you, I take a little bit longer
I’m not like you, I go diddly diddly dip.

Why’s it bother you
if all my songs have the same two chords?
Why’s it bother you
if they’re all silly little bagatelles?

Does it trouble you
that all my songs are about sex and dogs?
Shouldn’t trouble you
‘cause that’s what I’m about, too.

I’m not like you, I take a little bit longer
I’m not like you, I go diddly diddly dip.

 

Sky Mall

One of these days
they’re gonna sell my stuff in the Sky Mall
One of these days they’re gonna put me on the plane
and everyone who ever laughed
everyone who said I was a lunar craft
is gonna have to face the fact
that I’m just 30000 feet ahead of my time

One of these days
they’re gonna sell my stuff in the Sky Mall
One of these days
they’re gonna put me on the plane

They’re gonna want my
Glow Massage
the Peanut Ball
the Arm Chair Ramp
and the Donut Hole-der
don’t forget about the Couch Potato

One of these days
they’re gonna sell my stuff in the Sky Mall
One of these days
they’re gonna put me on the plane

One of these days
they’re gonna sell me out in an email
One of these days
they’re gonna put me in the spam
and everyone who ever scoffed
everyone who ever turned their head and coughed
can either buy my stuff aloft
or stand in line at Walmart at 4 in the morning

One of these days
they’re gonna send me out by email
One of these days
they’re gonna put me in the spam

You’re gonna want my Air Sitar
the Compost Grill
the No Hands Clock
and the Solar Umbrella
don’t forget about the Spampoline

One of these days
they’re gonna send me out in your email
One of these days
you’re gonna search and find me there.

O Holy Night

Instrumental